The Day I Decided to End It All

I was falling apart. It seemed almost surreal because I had lived 'the good life' for so many years. I had a beautiful home in The Hollywood Hills. I had a driver, a personal assistant, a second home in the Arizona Foothills and more. I was the person that people respected. The person people wanted to be.

But not now.

All the pieces of my life were falling down around me. I lost my home. My bank account was drained. I lost my self worth and my pride… All I had left was a few hundred dollars in my wallet and a car that was about to be repossessed.

I prayed for answers. I asked God, The Universe or whatever higher power would listen to me to put me back together.

But no one answered.

I was scared. I was terrified. I was homeless, living out of my car. I was eating off the dollar menu at fast food restaurants and sometimes, I couldn't eat at all. I remember going into grocery stores and occasionally buying the can of beans or Chef Boyardee Raviolis when I couldn't stomach another fast food burger. I remember walking into the four and five star hotels that I used to visit in L.A. and walking the hotel corridors looking for empty room service trays. A piece of toast, a half eaten salad, or maybe a sliver of steak left on a plate would satisfy me for the day.

And it got worse.

The pain and the guilt I felt was tearing me up inside.

I had literally disappeared.

I could barely think about my children and my family. I was hiding. They had no idea where their dad was. They had no idea where their son was. They had no idea where their brother was. And they had no idea what I had become. They didn't know if I was alive or dead and I didn't care anymore if I lived or died.

Frequently, I went to a railroad crossing and just sat there and watched the trains go by, wondering if I should throw myself in front of the next one. Day after day was a journey on what to eat and where to sleep. And if I should live or die.

Then the answer came. (I'm not so comfortable sharing this but it was my truth and it just might help someone else)….I accepted my death.

I had made the decision to die.

I was at peace with taking my own life.

A sense of calm came over me. I gave myself permission to die. But I promised myself I would do one more thing before I took my life. Have you ever heard the saying, "what would you do if you knew you could not fail?" That is what I decided to do. I decided to become ME. I wanted a chance to be the truest, most authentic version of Larry Cohn that I had ever lived. It was freeing.

Nothing mattered to me because a voice inside of me kept saying, 'you are already dead.' To some that voice might have been debilitating, but to me it was freeing. I gave myself permission to feel, to think, to act on and do anything I wanted to say or feel without any regard to the consequences! I came full circle into the acceptance of me. I began to feel a little better each day, but each day I also felt the comfort of knowing that I would die…that I would finally be at peace with all my demons. Without knowing what I had done, I had created a win-win scenario for myself.

Soon I realized that the pieces of my life that had fallen off had fallen off for a reason. Soon I began to sit with my shell of a mind and soon I began to shift. I made a decision to embrace myself the way I was, empty and shattered. I thought to myself that everything that had gone wrong must have gone wrong for a reason. As I laid broken and scared each night….not knowing where I was going to sleep, I realized that the beauty in all of this was that my life as I knew it was shattered….and that I was like a puzzle. All of my pieces were laying on the ground. And I could put them back any way I wanted.

I could create a new me.

I looked at the desperation I was feeling and decided that it was 'growing pains.' I was shredding the things and the people in my life that weren't working and were holding me back.

I wasn't falling apart. I was falling into place.

I didn't want to hold on to the pieces of my life that brought me to where I was today, I wanted to let them fall off….even if it meant that there would be little left of me. I began to realize that I was not broken but that I was breaking through. Every time another component of my life fell apart, I felt relieved that another piece of me was gone, because it's only in letting go that you can create a new space for what is coming. I shifted even though nothing around me shifted. I was still broke, still homeless and still scared. I began to see a glimpse of my own power. My own power was hidden in the ability to choose my thoughts over the realities of my conditions.

Did you get that last sentence?

I had developed a skill or a power to choose my own thoughts regardless of the realities of my condition.

My whole life was changing. One day, while sitting in my car overlooking a lake that had sparkling clear reflections of the trees that surrounded it, I went deep into my mind and decided that I wasn't so much changing, but instead…I was becoming! I was becoming the new version of me. I saw light, clarity, hope and courage. I began to feel joy, mercy, grace and compassion. I began to feel relief over the things that I had lost and the things that I had clung to with fear and greed.

The next day I woke up and I was still broke.

I was still homeless. And I was still hungry. But I knew something more was in store for me. I knew my soul and my spirit were about to be replenished. And that was the day I learned how to shift my reality, and ultimately my emotions. Eventually my mood shifted without ever having to change the conditions around me.

That was the day I found my true power.

I discovered how to change my mood through the power of my thoughts without ever having to change the conditions that surround me. That was the day the Shifted Reality was born. It was the day that I was born and the old Larry, with full permission…died as planned.